I really feel for you and admire your attitude to all this, Lottie. I had to do exactly the same, but with two huge differences. Both my mother and I were much older, which meant she definitely felt her time had come and was pleased to have a terminal diagnosis that meant she wouldn’t develop dementia, and I was not at such a crucial stage in my career as you are. The other difference was that my mum didn’t need so much personal care as yours clearly did, so my job was easier. Nevertheless her illness lasted a year, whereas we’d been thinking more in terms of three or four months based in averages for pancreatic cancer, so it was a huge chunk of my life where I had to live away from my current home and back in Northern Ireland which I’d left at 19. I didn’t know how any of the social/health/community services worked! Like you I very soon finished up current projects and stopped pitching, because I couldn’t guarantee I’d be able to deliver articles if there was a sudden crisis with my mum; and she didn’t need much, but she did need me to focus on her, even if that was just keeping her garden tidy. I really enjoyed it and felt it was a privilege to spend so much time with her, but I did worry that I would find it hard to get back to work when Ai was ready. Actually some people had t noticed that ai’d stopped. A full time job came up at just the right time that got me a whole new strand of experience, and social media chats while I was away had deepened relationships with some colleagues. I can’t quite say work doesn’t matter, because everything in our dorks is shrinking so much that it does; but the little irritations are certainly less stressful than they were. Perspective is a great thing, isn’t it? Good luck to you as you continue forging your refreshed career path. I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you.
Thank you Clare, that's so kind of you to say. I'm sorry you dealt with so many similar experiences with your mum. It's the strangest, hardest thing, but the greatest privilege too. We are so lucky to have been able to do this for our parents. x
We are. I’ve seen so many people struggling with too many responsibilities - full time jobs they couldn’t just put on hold, childcare, distance - and some people of course have to do it even when they had difficult relationships with their parents. I feel very lucky to have had a positive experience … my mum even said at one point quite close to the end that she would never have imagined that I’d be able to slow down and adapt to such a quiet life or that I would turn out to be a good nurse! Though as I say, very little actual nursing was required.
Brought a tear to my eye Lottie, beautiful words and special memories that no one can take away. Thank you for sharing today and sending you love. I'll raise a glass to your mum tonight & to my friend who would have been celebrating her birthday today, but was taken 14 years ago to the same cruel disease. F*%k cancer.
Beautifully written, as others have said. My brother passed away unexpectedly seven years ago and I felt the same way for a while: nothing mattered. Small errors at work or inconveniences in day-to-day life no longer affected me. I’m a little disappointed to say that the feeling wasn’t sustainable — these days I still get annoyed at small things I shouldn’t — but the overall perspective of what really matters (loved ones, happiness) has stayed.
Lottie, I know you don't me, but I feel like we just had a cry and a wine together. The other stuff doesn't matter, you are right. But sharing these words, so poignant and heartfelt, so raw and honest, definitely matter. These words will make the difference to someone (who knows, maybe me) who finds themself in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing them.
Thank you Michelle - a cry and a wine is a pretty good night in by my book! Thanks so much for reading and I truly hope you don't have to experience half of what I did, but if you do, that these words do help. x
Very touching, Lottie. I have several friends who lost their mothers young and I’ve lost a couple of friends, who died too soon. I try not to stress the unimportant stuff and treasure the people I have around me.
Thanks so much for sharing your painful time. It all helps, and does help put things in perspective. I lost my mother three years ago, then got diagnosed with cancer (though in my case the chemo seems to be working), and then in April my brother, ten years younger than me, died. So... a pitch failed, a late payment. It isn't a matter of life and death. And yes - today is a beautiful day, to be enjoyed, as our mothers and brothers would want us to.
So sad and so true- my mother died after a long illness on the day after Christmas. She was 60; I was 23 . It was like a bomb exploding - it changed me then and forever: taught me what really matters and eventually enabled to forge a sustainable freelance career because-although I'm painstakingly thorough in my work-it's not the end of the world if something goes wrong. Life's little lessons well-learnt if we're prepared to listen. X
Thank you, Heidi. I often think of my life in two parts now: pre-mum dying and post-mum dying - I am now a very different person to who I was three years ago. The death of a parent has such a striking impact. Cheers to you, your mum and mine x
I really feel for you and admire your attitude to all this, Lottie. I had to do exactly the same, but with two huge differences. Both my mother and I were much older, which meant she definitely felt her time had come and was pleased to have a terminal diagnosis that meant she wouldn’t develop dementia, and I was not at such a crucial stage in my career as you are. The other difference was that my mum didn’t need so much personal care as yours clearly did, so my job was easier. Nevertheless her illness lasted a year, whereas we’d been thinking more in terms of three or four months based in averages for pancreatic cancer, so it was a huge chunk of my life where I had to live away from my current home and back in Northern Ireland which I’d left at 19. I didn’t know how any of the social/health/community services worked! Like you I very soon finished up current projects and stopped pitching, because I couldn’t guarantee I’d be able to deliver articles if there was a sudden crisis with my mum; and she didn’t need much, but she did need me to focus on her, even if that was just keeping her garden tidy. I really enjoyed it and felt it was a privilege to spend so much time with her, but I did worry that I would find it hard to get back to work when Ai was ready. Actually some people had t noticed that ai’d stopped. A full time job came up at just the right time that got me a whole new strand of experience, and social media chats while I was away had deepened relationships with some colleagues. I can’t quite say work doesn’t matter, because everything in our dorks is shrinking so much that it does; but the little irritations are certainly less stressful than they were. Perspective is a great thing, isn’t it? Good luck to you as you continue forging your refreshed career path. I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you.
Thank you Clare, that's so kind of you to say. I'm sorry you dealt with so many similar experiences with your mum. It's the strangest, hardest thing, but the greatest privilege too. We are so lucky to have been able to do this for our parents. x
We are. I’ve seen so many people struggling with too many responsibilities - full time jobs they couldn’t just put on hold, childcare, distance - and some people of course have to do it even when they had difficult relationships with their parents. I feel very lucky to have had a positive experience … my mum even said at one point quite close to the end that she would never have imagined that I’d be able to slow down and adapt to such a quiet life or that I would turn out to be a good nurse! Though as I say, very little actual nursing was required.
Brought a tear to my eye Lottie, beautiful words and special memories that no one can take away. Thank you for sharing today and sending you love. I'll raise a glass to your mum tonight & to my friend who would have been celebrating her birthday today, but was taken 14 years ago to the same cruel disease. F*%k cancer.
Thanks Julie, cheers to our mums x
Beautifully written, as others have said. My brother passed away unexpectedly seven years ago and I felt the same way for a while: nothing mattered. Small errors at work or inconveniences in day-to-day life no longer affected me. I’m a little disappointed to say that the feeling wasn’t sustainable — these days I still get annoyed at small things I shouldn’t — but the overall perspective of what really matters (loved ones, happiness) has stayed.
Lottie, I know you don't me, but I feel like we just had a cry and a wine together. The other stuff doesn't matter, you are right. But sharing these words, so poignant and heartfelt, so raw and honest, definitely matter. These words will make the difference to someone (who knows, maybe me) who finds themself in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing them.
Thank you Michelle - a cry and a wine is a pretty good night in by my book! Thanks so much for reading and I truly hope you don't have to experience half of what I did, but if you do, that these words do help. x
Thanks for sharing such a personal and beautifully told story. I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mum.
A beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing it. I completely understand. Loss changes everything.
Very touching, Lottie. I have several friends who lost their mothers young and I’ve lost a couple of friends, who died too soon. I try not to stress the unimportant stuff and treasure the people I have around me.
Stunning writing Lottie. Thank you. Your words resonate deeply xxx
Beautifully put, Lottie xx
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this Lottie x
This is so, so good. Your writing is just so precise and lovely.
Thank you Jo, that means a lot. x
Stunning piece of writing. Sending love and will raise a glass to Helen tonight x
Thanks so much for sharing your painful time. It all helps, and does help put things in perspective. I lost my mother three years ago, then got diagnosed with cancer (though in my case the chemo seems to be working), and then in April my brother, ten years younger than me, died. So... a pitch failed, a late payment. It isn't a matter of life and death. And yes - today is a beautiful day, to be enjoyed, as our mothers and brothers would want us to.
Absolutely, cheers to that, Mike. Hope your chemo journey isn't too painful and you get well soon.
Wise, beautiful, and sad words. And so true.
So sad and so true- my mother died after a long illness on the day after Christmas. She was 60; I was 23 . It was like a bomb exploding - it changed me then and forever: taught me what really matters and eventually enabled to forge a sustainable freelance career because-although I'm painstakingly thorough in my work-it's not the end of the world if something goes wrong. Life's little lessons well-learnt if we're prepared to listen. X
Thank you, Heidi. I often think of my life in two parts now: pre-mum dying and post-mum dying - I am now a very different person to who I was three years ago. The death of a parent has such a striking impact. Cheers to you, your mum and mine x